How to be Lacy
A guide to becoming her, one small erasure at a time.
Step 1: Learn how she exists without trying.
Watch the way she laughs—like nothing has ever embarrassed her.
HOW: Observe her when she is laughing, eating, talking, walking, standing, and breathing. Go home and practice in front of the mirror.
Step 2: Adjust your voice.
She never sounds rushed, never says too much.
HOW: Lower it slightly. Slow it down. Leave space between your words. If your voice reaches for a higher note—the way it used to when you were excited—swallow it. Drink lemon water until the sharpness of your personality is washed away.
Step 3: Replace your preferences with hers.
Her favourite ice cream, her favourite movie, the songs she sings.
HOW: Like what she likes. It’s easier than deciding things for yourself. If she hates something, you probably do too—you just didn’t know it yet.
Step 4: Become easy to be around.
HOW: Do not react too strongly. Do not want too much. Do not take up more space than necessary. Do not let your eyes well up; turn it into a cough.
Step 5: Practice looking like her.
HOW: Stand in the bathroom light—the one that shows everything—and count the ways you are built differently. Her skin looks like it was poured; yours looks assembled in a hurry. Study the pores on your nose, the way your hair never settles. Apologize to the mirror.
(but she told me she felt insecure too?)
UPDATE: When she says she feels “ugly,” do not believe her. If someone like her feels small, then someone like you shouldn’t exist.
Step 6: Study what keeps people.
HOW: Notice how they lean in when she speaks. Try to recreate that, even if it feels unnatural. Stop biting your nails. Tuck your nervous energy into your stomach until it dulls.
Step 7: Remove the parts of you that don’t fit.
HOW: Take that story you tell at parties—the one where you fell, and everyone laughed—and bury it.
(but she laughed loudly just now?)
UPDATE: Cut previous step 7. Laugh loudly. Be her, in every way imaginable.
Step 8: Continue until it feels normal.
Step 9: Do not ask whether she ever had to learn this.
Step 10: Forget what you sounded like before.
—
Somewhere between learning how to be her and forgetting how to be myself, it stopped feeling like admiration.
It’s quiet now.
Not effortless—just quieter.
I don’t remember choosing this.